Being single is something that some people, men in particular, consider as a privilege. Ask George Clooney if you don't believe me. By staying single means that you can do whatever you want at anytime you want with whoever you want. What not love about that, eh? That was my thought before too. And yeah, I do mean it before like before the time I write this blog literally. Confuse? Of course, you do.
Alright, let me explain to you why did I think of that. As you guys knew already, I live in the island of Bali where people considered it as the island of fun and freedom. Oh yeah, when the first time you step your foot on this island you could find your daily life in wherever you live at the moment was suck! And that happened to me too. In my case even worse, when I decided to moved to Bali, I was like hoping for some major change in my normal life lived in my parents house. I even lied to my olds told them that I got a job in this island just to made them let me out of their comfortable cage. They bought that then here I am. And since this was my first self freedom, I prepared myself for some super crazy scenario of life. But what did I get? I met a guy on my third day in the island, and the last thing I remembered was moving in with him. Instead of having my freedom, I just moved myself from a comforted zone to another even more comforted zone. Guess my self consciousness was not that ready for an adventure just yet. The fact that I preferred my cozy life lying on the couch watching TV rather than worked my ass upside down to make my own life took the biggest part in the making of that decision that change my life forever.
Oh no, don't get too excited yet, am not going to spill the detail about my previous heart broken relationship here. The point is now that am single right at the most important holiday of the year, that was more than just lame. I now realized how I need someone at this time of year, badly. The fact that I still don't get used to take care of myself yet made this situation even worse. I can not even believe am saying this, but yeah, being single is gay..so gay!
Funny thing about this was my last conversation with a friend who was single and we were talking about going out partying at one weekend and she asked me if I could join her. Back then, I said to her that at this point I wished that I was single so I could say 'hell yeah' to her question without even thinking. But because of I was not, so I had to checked with my man first and see if he was okay letting me out that night. Oh no, don't get me wrong, I knew for sure that he would say 'yes' anyway, he was actually that kind of cool guy, but still, the fact that I couldn't give an answer right away when someone asked to do something, it really bothered me a lot. Hey, what can I say? I don't do commitment, am an Aquarian, remember?
So, now back to the topic, it was just recently when I finally fully aware that I am a single girl living in an island of freedom and fun, and what did I do? I cried. I was like losing my grip and this holiday festive definitely doesn't do any help..at all. For a moment there, for a split second, I felt so lonely and suddenly missed my old life back. I want that rush and itchy feeling when planning what to do for new year eve and where to go. I want that shopping spree terrorizing all of the big sales in town. I want that joyful feeling when came home and saw the face that I've seen forever in my life. I want those back. Damn, who says being single is a privilege after all?
Then here I am, alone in my room, feeling so confuse. It's not that I don't have anyone to spend this holiday with, I just don't have the mood to do so. I was so used with the ritual that Christmas and New Year's Eve were supposed to be celebrate with your love ones kind of thing so it does give me a blue when my love one isn't mine anymore. Not that I feel sad of losing him, oh no, I've passed that state already, but I do miss all of those little things that we normally shared at this time of year. Even the silliest one, I suddenly want it back. And dang..it hurts to remember all of those knowing that it's not going to happen anymore. So yeah, I know that they say 'big girls don't cry', but am sure there is an exception for my case, isn't it? Thank you very much..Kleenex, please?
^_^
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